Today has been unusually hard for me. I'm really swamped at work, which is making me crabby.  

And now, it's still finally sinking in that my best friend, someone I've known for years, is actually having a baby. I literally started crying today because it makes me feel horrible. Everyone I know is either pregnant or has a baby. She was the one person who didn't. And now that's different. It's just so weird for me, I can't even explain how I feel and she will never understand. When she starts showing, I will cry. I honestly don't think I can stay friends with her. 

I know that anyone else would just adjust and love her for her, and love the baby. But it's too weird! I'm 21 years old! She's 21 years old! She's still a baby herself! It would be a different story if she was not partying, or if she actually asked me to help her. But no. 

We are at completely different stages in life. We just aren't compatible as friends anymore. It's time to move on find some friends that don't have kids, and are going to school like me! I have so many dreams and plans for my life. And if everyone else wants to settle for "good enough" they can. But I'm leaving this shithole of a town hopefully within a year! 

I'm only writing about this because this is what's been on my mind, and frankly it's stressing me out. She has been talking to me a lot and wanting to see me. I am dreading talking about it because I know she will get mad. I don't know how to tell her that we can't be friends anymore without her hating me. I just want to move on. We haven't been close for almost a year. She doesn't need me anymore. I know that this is going to stress me out until we actually talk about it. It's not going to be easy. Goodbyes are never easy. Especially when I just know that she's going to hate me. 

I just wish that I could talk to someone that understands how I feel. I can't even understand it. I'm just preparing myself the best I can I guess. 

I'm just ready to start a new chapter in my life. 

It's been a few months since I've blogged... oops. 
Life has been crazy. I'm facing a lot of new changes at this point in my life, and I keep thinking that there has to be more to it than this. 

My best friend for the past 3 years is pregnant. PREGNANT. She's 21 years old and she's broke as fuck. She basically told me they were trying to get pregnant and I told her she's crazy and it's a horrible idea, and don't do it. So now she's pregnant, and I haven't talked to her in weeks. I know that sounds bad, but there's a lot more to it. First she got a boyfriend and basically decided that she didn't need me anymore. She brings him anywhere she goes. I got fed up and basically stopped hanging out with her for a couple months. Then we connected again, and started hanging out and everything was fine. Now she's pregnant and I haven't talked to her in weeks. She is still having parties at her house, and I can bet that she is still drinking and smoking weed! We haven't been close for almost a year now, so it's not my job to be her best friend anymore. She has her boyfriend for that. She knows my feelings about children. I don't want them, and I never will. I'm not a "children" person. I like other peoples' children, but I do not want any of my own. I get that it's her life, and if she wants a baby, that's fine. But they are absolutely not ready in any way, shape or form to have a baby. I already pity that child. Now that she's pregnant, everything is going to change forever. She will never be able to go on trips, or have time for me. We had big plans to move to California, or Vegas. Now that will never happen. I feel like she is settling. Like there's nothing better out there. I guess it all comes down to if she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I feel like everyone in my town settles. They don't reach for the stars, they don't chase their dreams. They take the easy way out, and they do exactly what society tells them to do:

Go get a boring job, marry someone who's ok, and have as many kids as you can. 


That is exactly what society tells us to do. I refuse to get married and have kids simply because that's the "norm."  Women deciding not to have children is actually becoming a lot more common nowadays, for any number of reasons. I was with my friend who has a baby for not even an hour, and her baby was so crabby! I had to go home! I couldn't take a screaming kid for more than an hour! That's just how I am. This sounds bad, I know it does. But I honestly think that some people just aren't meant to have children. 

I mean, I am 21 years old, and I can't even afford to move out of my parents' basement. I still have plans though. I'm starting school full time next month, to be a Paralegal, and I still have a job that I really like. All I need to do is really buckle down and start saving money. If I save enough, I could move to California and transfer to a community college out there by next fall. I want to go there before I finish school, because otherwise I wouldn't find any friends. I can't move across the country not knowing anyone there. That is way too scary of a thought for me. If I start there by going to school, I will meet a ton of people! I have the school picked out and everything. Now it's just a matter of waiting, and saving. 

In the meantime, I'm still working on my fitness journey trying to get in the habit of working out 5 days a week, and eating healthy. It's been a very difficult summer, health-wise. I just kinda gave up, and I have no will power anymore. I don't understand it, but food has this horrible power over me. Whenever I'm hungry, I get cranky and I just crave delicious food, whether it's fast food, or processed food, it's still horrible. I just don't want to crave that food anymore! I'm slowly making the switch from drinking coffee to drinking iced green tea. 

I want to start writing on a daily basis, whether it's for my blog, my novels, my practice, or freelance writing. I was looking through some of my old writing for school, and it just makes me happy. I miss having english classes and writing. I can't seem to sit down and just write. I'm going to work on it though. I'm going to work on my writing, my health and fitness, and I want to look into becoming a health coach/personal trainer. Even though I know I have to work on myself first, I really want to help others too.

If I had someone that was a little more motivated to help motivate me to workout, and eat healthy, I would be doing so much better. I'm one of those people that need someone to kick their butt out of bed in the morning to workout.  But once I become that person, I want to do it for other people! 

Honestly, there is just so much that I want out of life. So many dreams, and things to achieve, but I'm stuck in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin.  I know something as trivial as location shouldn't be what's stopping me, and I know that I do nothing but complain about where I live. But I honestly feel stuck. I can work on my fitness journey here, as well as my writing, so I guess that's what I'm going to do. My mom told me that I should look into some Writing Workshops online, or maybe in Minneapolis. I totally would do that, but that stuff costs money, and my mom thinks that everything online nowadays is a scam.

It's been 3 years since I graduated high school, and what have I accomplished? I could be done with school right now! I could be far, far away from this place. In reality, I've done nothing. I've wasted 3 years of my life by partying, and kind of going to school for things that I don't want to go with my life. I've learned my lessons, and that's not to waste life. I need to live it, and I need to grow up. It's so hard to figure out how to live your own life when everyone around you is telling you what you SHOULD or NEED to be doing! 

I just want Something More.

It seems like whenever I I get sad, that's when I turn to blogging. I have been so busy with life, and trying to make everyone else happy, that I forget to focus on myself, and what's best for me.
I have been so stressed out with extra work, school, and now my family is getting on my case. It's like everything in my life is just gets harder for me, adds more stress. I have headaches on a regular basis, and lately I've been feeling like I need an escape, I need a way to feel better. I don't like drinking, or using drugs. 

So I eat. And I eat, and I eat and I eat. I just eat junk food until I can't feel anything anymore. I hate it. I feel horrible afterwards. 

I wish I could be like those people who say, " Oh just workout. You'll feel better, it's like a drug, and it's addicting!"  Some people may feel that way, but I am not one of those people. I push myself to workout. It's a tough decision every single day. It's not something I enjoy, but I know that it's good for me, and I do really like the feeling I get after a workout. 

For so long, I keep saying, "Oh, I have big dreams, and goals and I'm going to make something of my life. I'm going places and I cannot wait."  I have said this for so long that I bet people wonder why I'm not actually doing it.  I have realized that right now I'm not actually living. I have been so upset and unhappy with my situation for years and I am so dead set against living like that that I have completely shut out. 

I have pulled out of society. I play along with life as little as I possibly have to. I go to work, and I go to school, and I come home and workout. I watch doctor dramas, and I talk to people online. This is my life. I do nothing else. I don't go out, and meet people. I don't go out of my way to talk to people. I don't experience new things, or go on adventures. 

I have been existing, but not living. This whole time, since I've cut out my friends and partying, I told myself that I'm happier, and I'm better off. In some ways, I am, but I really miss having a best friend. I miss having someone to talk to. 

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not actually trying to have a life because it's winter and it fucking sucks, and I hate it so much. I'm basically just hibernating. If I was in Cali, I would be out and about everywhere, doing things and meeting people.  
I don't want to blame it on the weather, it's me. But I truly believe it's a factor.

For a while, I thought my life was fine, but now I feel like my life is out of control.  It's so overwhelming and I've never felt so alone. I want to try and figure it out, and fix things, but it's just not that easy. I'm sick of worrying about how everything is going to turn out.  There's just so much I want to do and I have no idea how to do it. Or how to go about making plans, or saving money. I just feel stuck. I have felt stuck for the past several years. Stuck in this city, in this state, in some dead-end job that sucks, in my parents basement. 

I know that in today's society, more and more college graduates are living with their parents, but I can't help but feel like a complete and pathetic loser. Like I'm the only one.
I have changed my college major three times now, and I have made some very bad decisions about my life, and my family likes to remind me of that. So yes, I feel like that only pathetic loser in the world. 

I keep telling myself to make changes, and figure it out, but I never do. Maybe I should talk to a life coach. They say to take life one day at a time but how can you live like that?
People also ask, How do you plan life? I think you certainly can plan life, and you should. But things will always happen along the way. Life changes, and we adapt. But everyone still makes plans. I have to believe that I can make plans. 

I have to stop existing and start living. 

Yes, I have let the daily functions of life and work get in the way of my writing, yet again.  I am single and I don't have children. I find myself to be very lucky, and I am so grateful to only have to worry about myself. That doesn't sound the way I want it to. What I mean is, I have all the time in the world to love myself, and take care of myself, but even I am working three very different jobs.
My first job, my actual job is Monday through Friday. All day on Mondays, but 8am to noon Tuesday-Friday. It's a very easy schedule, and I've grown to like it. I didn't have any other choice but to be part-time. I really do enjoy my job, but like any job, it can get frustrating. The one thing I struggle with the most is getting up early! I am SO not a morning person! I've had to get up early almost my entire life. 12 years of school, plus college, and now this job. I will never get used to it. There just are not enough hours in the day! 
My 2nd job is school. It really is a job, but less difficult. It requires time and lots of homework.  I am really glad I only have two classes a week. They are 3 hour long classes, but only once a week. It was very hard transitioning from not having anything to do in the evenings, to being in school from 6pm to 9pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm also grateful to say that I enjoy my classes. They are probably the most boring classes you could pick - Economics and Contemporary American Society, but I actually enjoy learning these things. I never really did learn much about these topics in high school, and they are very important since I'm going to be a Paralegal.
My 3rd and final job is my Health & Fitness. To me, this is a job! There is so much work involved with planning your meals, planning your workouts, taking the time to do the workouts, and showering afterwards. When you think about it, it doesn't seem like it would be that hard, but really it's all about planning. 
"If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail."  
I really like this quote because I am a procrastinator so I understand this from experience. If I don't pack my lunch, and I just happen to be running late the next morning, I am faced with grabbing a frozen entree from the freezer, or running to the nearest fast food joint to get lunch. However, since I decided to be a healthier person, almost 1 or 2 years ago? I can't just go to McDonalds and have a burger and fries. The whole time, I will know that there is well over 1000 calories alone in that meal and it will drive me insane. I can eat some of my favorite foods now and again. However, I have learned to just run into the gas station and grab a low calorie salad with fat free dressing. It's the best choice for me, when I'm in a time crunch. 

For the past two to three months, I have been trying to dedicate at least ONE HOUR to working out. If I happen to do more, that's awesome! But one hour is my minimum. Which means I need to figure out what hour of the day I will be working out, and I need to allow another hour to 1.5 hours to shower and get ready afterward. Since I only work until 12pm, I usually eat lunch, then workout, and shower, and get ready for my evening class. If I'm lucky, and watching the clock, I will have maybe 1 hour to relax or do what I want between ending work at 12pm and starting class at 6pm. I do like this schedule, because I feel like I have the most energy during the middle of the day. Sometimes I put off my workouts until late at night, and then I really don't want to do them. I never have a lot of energy to do them at night either. I have tried getting up at 5am to workout and shower before work. That doesn't go well! I am a person who needs my sleep and if I don't get enough sleep, I am cranky, moody, and overall not friendly.  Normally, I am lucky if I get 6 hours of sleep. Most nights, it's probably less because I am so busy, with homework and trying to figure out everything that I should be doing. I swear, I spend most of my time making to-do lists of things that I need to spend time on! Even after that, I never find time to do the things on my to-do list! It's SO aggravating! 
Like blogging for instance, I never seem to find the extra time to write. Writing is my passion, and of course it's something that I want to be doing, but if I have to chose between sleep or writing, I'm going to chose sleep.  
I'm going to make February my month of Pre-Spring Cleaning/Organizing!  I want to go through all of my belongings and make sure that I'm not save useless junk. I hate having clutter! Even if I can't see it, I know that all the stuff in my dressers is a cluttered mess, and I hate knowing that. Plus I really want to commit to a new, and realistic, and more productive daily schedule. Sticking to a schedule is good for you. Right now, I'm kind of on a schedule, but it's not a good one.  During the week I barely get 6 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I will sleep in and get 11-12 hours of sleep.  That's probably not good for me.  So yes. That is what I will be working on. 
Is there anything in your life that is bothering you? Do you have clutter? Maybe you have no free time either? Maybe you want to start working out?  It could be anything! If you want something to change, then change it! Yes, it may be hard, but once you get used to it, it will be routine and it won't be as difficult.  Like for me,  I want to start working out in the morning at 5am! 
OMG.
Yes it will be hard, and it will take dedication. But I have looked up tips to help me, and I am going to start going to bed way earlier! Pretty soon, I will be that person going to bed at 10:30 to get up at 5am! And I am going to love it!!!! 

You can do anything you set your mind to. It's possible. Let's do this together! Let's make February a month of self-love and renewal. Change up your schedule, clean out your clutter, start working out, take some time for YOU.  After all, at the end of the day it's you who should be happy, right? 

Good luck! Hopefully I will post something tomorrow! (=  
I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday! 
xx

I'm not sure how everyone feels about tattoos, or piercings.  I know that most people in my generation love tattoos and it's become really common to have tattoos. The older generations however, don't see it that way.  I really don't know how the stereotypes came to be. Maybe tattoos started out because only people in jail, or people of color had tattoos? Every older adult I know has nothing good to say about tattoos. If you have a tattoo, they will judge you, and automatically decide that you are a bad person simply because you have put art on your body.  I simply don't get how people can be so judgmental and cynical.  

Everyone says that you shouldn't judge based on appearance, but if you are covered in tattoos, they are going to judge you.  My mother is a perfect example of this. Every time we go somewhere and she sees someone covered in tattoos, she says to me, "See? Now doesn't that look lovely?!"  Sarcasm of course. I find it so rude.  Yes, it is "untraditional," and maybe even "risky" but if someone wants ink all over their body, that should be their decision, and none of your business. If you don't like it, don't look at them! 

This brings me to the whole work force discussion.  I strongly believe that since tattoos are becoming very common, employers should not be able to discriminate against them.  You could have the best resume, the best experience, but if you're covered in tattoos, you can guarantee that someone else is going to get the job.  I've filled out applications that say you can't have facial piercings, visible tattoos, or even wear perfume! I was shocked to read this, considering it was for a food/restaurant business! It wasn't even in the business world, but simply in a fast food restaurant you can't have a little ink on your skin?  

I personally only have two tattoos, but I would really like to get a bunch more. Everyone says they are addicting, and that is so true! I want to get tattoos and not worry about where to put them on my body in case I want a good job.  I'm going to school to be a paralegal, so I highly doubt anyone would hire me if I had tattoos up and down my arms.  I think it's because people assume that if we have tattoos, we have been into trouble, or we have made bad decisions. Some people say that it is simply unprofessional.  Yes, it may be unprofessional, but have you seen how business people dress? It's depressing. I think people can look good in anything if they just try. How are you supposed to look fabulous in a brown pantsuit?!  

Yes, you can always cover them up for work. Which is probably what I will be doing, but that just makes life more complicated. Why should we have to disguise our true selves when we are at work? Work is something we are supposed to love doing, but covering yourself up seems so fake. Plus, it would get very tiring having to wear long-sleeved shirts all the time.  I just really think that people need to become more open-minded. They need to learn that tattoos and piercings is art, it's expression, it's life.  They need to stop looking at us of that tattooed nature as "hoodlums" or "trouble," because that is simply not true, and it's just a stereotype.  


I have a very strong opinion about this, and it's because I have such a passion for fashion.  What to wear, and how to wear it. What about wearing your own skin? Why is that such a crime?


I have a feeling that this type of movement, this rebellion of tattoos and piercings won't happen for another 20 to 40 years, maybe even longer.  What are your thoughts on this topic?


It's really something to think about. 

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful celebration! 

To me, New Year's is a time to celebrate and reflect on the past year. Everything we did wrong and everything we did right. Our promises and our mistakes.   It's a time where the nation comes together to celebrate the hope that a new year brings. For most, it's a clean slate, a fresh start. What I want to know is, why can we only start fresh once a year? If we really want to, we could start over anytime we want.  

New Year's isn't a celebration for everyone. People who are depressed, or who late their lives just believe that it's a new year, but nothing has changed.  For those people, I say, " Change it!"  In order to have change, you need to create it.  Things don't just happen, you have to work for it.  Looking back on this past year has really opened my eyes.  It has been nothing but a roller-coaster of depression, fun, friends, and bad choices.  It also was realizing how important family is, realizing I want to change, and trying to become a better person.  I started to change at the beginning of November, and since then I really do feel like a completely different person.  

Yes, letting go of your past is painful, and sometimes really hard.  But if it's weighing you down, if it's keeping you from becoming the person you want to be, if it's or they are making you miserable, it's time to move on.  This is currently what I am struggling with.  I had so many friends, especially a best friend for more than two years now, that I simply decided to say goodbye to.  People grow up and they grow apart.  I believe that's just part of life. I'm at a point in my life where I just want to settle down, to grow up, and go to school and get good grades, and find a caring, faithful, and wonderful boyfriend who doesn't have a drinking problem.  After having the rough year and a half that I have had, I am ready to grow up and act like a mature adult.  

Meanwhile, my ex-best friend and everyone else my age is doing nothing but partying.  I really don't see the fun in drinking until I'm vomiting. I really don't see why people would want to do that every single night.  Or people who rely on alcohol and drugs to have fun. If you can't fun being sober, than I really don't understand you, and I think you need to realize that you have a problem.  I'm not saying that you can't ever go out and have a good time.  I went out last night and drank a little bit.  I had a great time, and I was not wasted.  After not drinking for two months or more, my body has no tolerance for alcohol. I had two mixed drinks with Malibu, and I ended up vomiting this morning.  So, no, I would say that alcohol and I don't get along.  Everyone has their own lifestyle, and I completely agree that it's your own life and you can do what you want.  But if I tell you repeatedly that I don't want to party anymore and you continue to do nothing but party, then yes I am going to walk away.  

I think it's funny because my friend still tries to talk to me like nothing is wrong. I have told her how I felt numerous times, but she simply doesn't get it.  And I am sick of explaining it to her.  I miss how things used to be two years ago. We had a blast, we were inseperable, and we never drank or did drugs. We were simple best friends back then. I knew everything about her.  Now, I feel like I don't know who she is anymore. She has changed so much, and to me she just looks like another party girl.  I have no idea how it got to this, but we no longer have anything in common.  I keep talking about her, because I miss her. Of course I miss her; she was my best friends for 2+ years.  Now I don't have a best friend, and it's lonely.  

I do believe, though, that I made the right choice to walk away.  I wanted out of the party life, and that is what I did.  I had to delete all the negative people in my life.  People will "talk shit" about anyone they don't like, or who feels like a threat.  I don't need people who do that to me.  I have a couple good friends, who I am now getting closer to, and I really think they are good.  A true friend is someone that you can sit and do absolutely nothing with and still have a blast.  

What does New Year's mean to you? You should really think about it. And think about how you can make this new year a better year.  Are you a person who makes resolutions, but doesn't stick to them? Do you even make resolutions? 

I think making resolutions is a good thing.  It's giving yourself reminders of what you want out of life, and that you should start living your life the way you want to. Whether you want to quit your job, or lose a lot of weight, it makes no difference. The only difference is that you need to work towards it.  One of my favorite quotes is from Jillian Michaels. 

"A goal without a plan is just a dream."  

It' so powerful and it reminds me that if you have a goal, you need to have a plan and actually work for it. Otherwise it's just a dream that will never happen.  People believe that things are just supposed to happen, that things are just supposed to change on their own. But they don't. Change only comes when you make the effort to be that change!  I have not felt so truly happy in years.  Yes, I may not have a lot of friends right now, but I'm working on that, and I am so excited for everything I have planned in 2014.  

I am going to go make my New Year's Resolutions right now, and I suggest that you do the same! 

2014 is a challenge for change!  

Much love xx <3 

Hello my fellow bloggers. This is my first blog post, and I have to admit that I'm not sure what to write about! If you read my introduction, you know that I've made a blog to help me improve my writing, because writing is my passion, and I haven't actually been writing for quite a while.  I mostly write novels.  I've written four novels already, even though I know they need a lot of work.  I have a couple ideas for more novels, however I just haven't found the time or the motivation to really commit to diving in my work.  
I'm at a point in my life where I need to decide what it is I really want to do with my life.  I find it so odd that society makes us choose just one "thing" to do for the rest of our lives. Some people know what that one thing is right away, like being a doctor a lawyer, or maybe working at a bank, a daycare, a school, etc. It's not that I have no idea what I want to do, I have so many different things I want to do! All through high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I started going to college to be a teacher, and I hated it. The classes were so difficult, and to me it seemed like none of it would matter when I'm teaching, so I finally dropped out, and switched schools as well as my major.  I thought being a Medical Assistant would be like being the Receptionist at a hospital. Boy was I wrong. It's literally just being a nurse, but getting paid less, and going to school for 2 years and not 4.  After taking a semester of courses for that, I said no way.  Then I finally found something I could really see myself doing.  Being a paralegal, or a lawyer's assistant, is a fairly new career, and it's fascinating to me.  I couldn't see myself being a lawyer, but working in an office, sitting at a computer, answering phone calls, emails, and so much paperwork is something that I believe I'm good at.  So, I'm currently going to school to be a paralegal. 

Not only do I want to be a paralegal, I want to be a famous writer, a personal trainer, a health coach, a nanny on a cruise ship, a tour bus trip guide in another country, a foster parent, a creator of a charity, a Peace Corps Volunteer, a youth group leader, and so many other wonderful, unique personas.  Why limit yourself to being just one thing? For the past couple of years, when I have been undecided and confused, I felt so suffocated and stuck.  Stuck with such a big decision that if I go to school, and get a job, and I hate it, then what? I'm stuck. I don't want to do just one thing, I want to do numerous things! 

I call my blog I'm Finding My Sparkle. Because I am forever searching for the things and people that make my heart glisten with love.  Things and people that spark such passion and interest that I realize it was meant to be.  I like to live by two quotes:

It's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.

Don't let anyone ever dull your sparkle.

My quote is these quotes put together.  I say I'm finding my sparkle, which is basically the things that make me me.  My sparkle is what I use to create myself. I feel like I have come so far in the past 20 years, and I have grown a great deal in this past year.  I am really excited for 2014, because I am setting goals, and have passion for things that I used to not care about.  I feel like a completely new person, and I finally feel relieved that I am on the right path for my future.  That is a good feeling to know that you have a plan, or that you're getting on track.  

As a writer, people say you should write what you know.  Also writing about your own experiences is a big part of being a writer.  Writing about my past is difficult, simply because in the past year, it has not been good.  High school was fine, it wasn't horrible. I have so many good memories, and quite a few bad ones. But when I go to write about my past, all I can think about are the events that happened in the past year, and how much they broke me. Everyone has things that they go through, no one has it easy.  Looking back, I know that for me, hitting rock bottom was probably the best thing to happen to me.  As much as it hurt, and it still does, it has made me the woman I am today, and I am so much stronger in every way.

I don't want to turn this into a religion thing, but I will say that after months, no years of being lost, and going down the wrong path, doing horrible things, and then hitting rock bottom, I finally found my way back to God. I grew up Catholic, and I went to a Catholic school, but I hated it. I switched and went to the public school. I still went to weekly CCD (church class), and I got confirmed when I was 15 or 16.  At that time, my faith was strong, and I felt that I had a decent relationship with God. After confirmation however, I fell away from the church. I could no longer be in the youth group, or in the choir, so I wasn't really involved anymore.  God eventually slipped away from my life completely.  That's when my life got complicated.  I just kept digging myself a deeper hole, until I hit rock bottom.  After rock bottom, I was depressed for months, and I remember it so clearly, the night I found God.

I was having a hard night. Those were happening a lot, and it was almost normal for me. But I was having such a breakdown, that I was seriously contemplating suicide.  During those months of depression, I thought about suicide a lot. Everyone around me was putting me down, and bringing up my mistakes, and I had never felt so worthless and unwanted in my life.  That night I struggled, and I just kept thinking how much better off everyone would be if I was just gone.  I can't completely remember if I had cut myself or not, but I was trying to think of a way to kill myself. I didn't know how to do it.  I listened to one of my favorite songs ever, that has helped me so much. It's called Lullaby by Nickelback.  That song gave me a little bit of hope.  It always does.  I put it on repeat, and I realized I don't want to die, I want to live, but I need help.  That's when I started praying to God, and I think it's the longest I've ever prayed.  After I was done, with praying and crying, I felt a little better.  I got that numb feeling you get after crying for a long time. I decided to look on the internet for some christian music, because I thought it would make me feel better, and I found a lot that I really like.  That music led me to one sight that I strongly believe has changed my life.  It was a sight with every possible thing imaginable for Christians. The page I found was called Christian Counseling.  It explained that it was a 14 step program where you come and read the page, and soak it in, and then you have to write in a journal how it made you feel and what you are experiencing.  Doing that program made me feel closer to God than when I go to church. 
Anyways, I'm not trying to go on and on about God. But I will say that ever since that night that I found God and restored my relationship with him, my life has changed so much! Things are looking up! I went for months without a job, and had plenty of interviews but I never got the job. I was feeling very discouraged and I thought something was wrong with me.  It was shortly after I found God that I was offered the job that I currently have.  

During my "lost time" I had fallen into a pit of drinking and drugs and boys.  So when I found out I had to take a drug test for this job, I was scared beyond belief. I had quit drinking and drugs altogether a little bit before I had an interview, but I was still terrified that I had ruined my one offer. I prayed and prayed for God to help me, and not knowing tortured me.  I broke down a little bit, and I went a little crazy, but I calmed down, and relaxed.  I kept waiting for them to come get me in my office to tell me I had failed and I was fired.  But it never happened, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was, and how thankful to God I was that He answered my prayers.  There was one night when I was feeling low, and like I wasn't going to go anywhere in life. Because like I said before, I was always unsure of what I really wanted to do with my life. So I prayed so hard to God to give me a sign of what I should be doing, what I was meant to be doing.  A couple days later, I was searching the internet, and I found the Peace Corps.  The more I researched it, the more I knew I wanted to do it.  Then I realized that this was my sign. This is what I was meant to do. I knew that I wanted to help people as my job, but I never knew how.  I started my application, and got most of it done, but then I realized that they prefer that you have a degree of some sort, or experience in a certain field.  I didn't have either.  In order for me to submit my application, I had to defer my student loans, and I didn't want to do that in case they rejecteded my application.  I still really want to go, but I also really want to go to school. I never talked to my parents about it, but I think I should. Maybe I should be going before school. That way, i can come back and go to school and then get a job right away.  Knowing my parents, they will say it's not a good idea.  the Peace Corps is a whole different story that can be told in another post.  

What my main point was, was that after I found God, good things started happening to me. Things were looking up and they still are! And I firmly believe that God is doing it. He is helping me. All you got to do is ask.  My faith has never stronger, because so much has changed in just a few short months, and I am forever grateful that God pulled me out of my depression, and now I am renewed. I am stronger than ever and I feel like a new person.

I'm glad that 2013 is over, and I guess you could say I certainly found a lot of my sparkle this year. I can't wait for what next year brings!  

Much love   xx