Hello my fellow bloggers. This is my first blog post, and I have to admit that I'm not sure what to write about! If you read my introduction, you know that I've made a blog to help me improve my writing, because writing is my passion, and I haven't actually been writing for quite a while. I mostly write novels. I've written four novels already, even though I know they need a lot of work. I have a couple ideas for more novels, however I just haven't found the time or the motivation to really commit to diving in my work.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to decide what it is I really want to do with my life. I find it so odd that society makes us choose just one "thing" to do for the rest of our lives. Some people know what that one thing is right away, like being a doctor a lawyer, or maybe working at a bank, a daycare, a school, etc. It's not that I have no idea what I want to do, I have so many different things I want to do! All through high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I started going to college to be a teacher, and I hated it. The classes were so difficult, and to me it seemed like none of it would matter when I'm teaching, so I finally dropped out, and switched schools as well as my major. I thought being a Medical Assistant would be like being the Receptionist at a hospital. Boy was I wrong. It's literally just being a nurse, but getting paid less, and going to school for 2 years and not 4. After taking a semester of courses for that, I said no way. Then I finally found something I could really see myself doing. Being a paralegal, or a lawyer's assistant, is a fairly new career, and it's fascinating to me. I couldn't see myself being a lawyer, but working in an office, sitting at a computer, answering phone calls, emails, and so much paperwork is something that I believe I'm good at. So, I'm currently going to school to be a paralegal.
Not only do I want to be a paralegal, I want to be a famous writer, a personal trainer, a health coach, a nanny on a cruise ship, a tour bus trip guide in another country, a foster parent, a creator of a charity, a Peace Corps Volunteer, a youth group leader, and so many other wonderful, unique personas. Why limit yourself to being just one thing? For the past couple of years, when I have been undecided and confused, I felt so suffocated and stuck. Stuck with such a big decision that if I go to school, and get a job, and I hate it, then what? I'm stuck. I don't want to do just one thing, I want to do numerous things!
I call my blog I'm Finding My Sparkle. Because I am forever searching for the things and people that make my heart glisten with love. Things and people that spark such passion and interest that I realize it was meant to be. I like to live by two quotes:
It's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
Don't let anyone ever dull your sparkle.
My quote is these quotes put together. I say I'm finding my sparkle, which is basically the things that make me me. My sparkle is what I use to create myself. I feel like I have come so far in the past 20 years, and I have grown a great deal in this past year. I am really excited for 2014, because I am setting goals, and have passion for things that I used to not care about. I feel like a completely new person, and I finally feel relieved that I am on the right path for my future. That is a good feeling to know that you have a plan, or that you're getting on track.
As a writer, people say you should write what you know. Also writing about your own experiences is a big part of being a writer. Writing about my past is difficult, simply because in the past year, it has not been good. High school was fine, it wasn't horrible. I have so many good memories, and quite a few bad ones. But when I go to write about my past, all I can think about are the events that happened in the past year, and how much they broke me. Everyone has things that they go through, no one has it easy. Looking back, I know that for me, hitting rock bottom was probably the best thing to happen to me. As much as it hurt, and it still does, it has made me the woman I am today, and I am so much stronger in every way.
I don't want to turn this into a religion thing, but I will say that after months, no years of being lost, and going down the wrong path, doing horrible things, and then hitting rock bottom, I finally found my way back to God. I grew up Catholic, and I went to a Catholic school, but I hated it. I switched and went to the public school. I still went to weekly CCD (church class), and I got confirmed when I was 15 or 16. At that time, my faith was strong, and I felt that I had a decent relationship with God. After confirmation however, I fell away from the church. I could no longer be in the youth group, or in the choir, so I wasn't really involved anymore. God eventually slipped away from my life completely. That's when my life got complicated. I just kept digging myself a deeper hole, until I hit rock bottom. After rock bottom, I was depressed for months, and I remember it so clearly, the night I found God.
I was having a hard night. Those were happening a lot, and it was almost normal for me. But I was having such a breakdown, that I was seriously contemplating suicide. During those months of depression, I thought about suicide a lot. Everyone around me was putting me down, and bringing up my mistakes, and I had never felt so worthless and unwanted in my life. That night I struggled, and I just kept thinking how much better off everyone would be if I was just gone. I can't completely remember if I had cut myself or not, but I was trying to think of a way to kill myself. I didn't know how to do it. I listened to one of my favorite songs ever, that has helped me so much. It's called Lullaby by Nickelback. That song gave me a little bit of hope. It always does. I put it on repeat, and I realized I don't want to die, I want to live, but I need help. That's when I started praying to God, and I think it's the longest I've ever prayed. After I was done, with praying and crying, I felt a little better. I got that numb feeling you get after crying for a long time. I decided to look on the internet for some christian music, because I thought it would make me feel better, and I found a lot that I really like. That music led me to one sight that I strongly believe has changed my life. It was a sight with every possible thing imaginable for Christians. The page I found was called Christian Counseling. It explained that it was a 14 step program where you come and read the page, and soak it in, and then you have to write in a journal how it made you feel and what you are experiencing. Doing that program made me feel closer to God than when I go to church.
Anyways, I'm not trying to go on and on about God. But I will say that ever since that night that I found God and restored my relationship with him, my life has changed so much! Things are looking up! I went for months without a job, and had plenty of interviews but I never got the job. I was feeling very discouraged and I thought something was wrong with me. It was shortly after I found God that I was offered the job that I currently have.
During my "lost time" I had fallen into a pit of drinking and drugs and boys. So when I found out I had to take a drug test for this job, I was scared beyond belief. I had quit drinking and drugs altogether a little bit before I had an interview, but I was still terrified that I had ruined my one offer. I prayed and prayed for God to help me, and not knowing tortured me. I broke down a little bit, and I went a little crazy, but I calmed down, and relaxed. I kept waiting for them to come get me in my office to tell me I had failed and I was fired. But it never happened, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was, and how thankful to God I was that He answered my prayers. There was one night when I was feeling low, and like I wasn't going to go anywhere in life. Because like I said before, I was always unsure of what I really wanted to do with my life. So I prayed so hard to God to give me a sign of what I should be doing, what I was meant to be doing. A couple days later, I was searching the internet, and I found the Peace Corps. The more I researched it, the more I knew I wanted to do it. Then I realized that this was my sign. This is what I was meant to do. I knew that I wanted to help people as my job, but I never knew how. I started my application, and got most of it done, but then I realized that they prefer that you have a degree of some sort, or experience in a certain field. I didn't have either. In order for me to submit my application, I had to defer my student loans, and I didn't want to do that in case they rejecteded my application. I still really want to go, but I also really want to go to school. I never talked to my parents about it, but I think I should. Maybe I should be going before school. That way, i can come back and go to school and then get a job right away. Knowing my parents, they will say it's not a good idea. the Peace Corps is a whole different story that can be told in another post.
What my main point was, was that after I found God, good things started happening to me. Things were looking up and they still are! And I firmly believe that God is doing it. He is helping me. All you got to do is ask. My faith has never stronger, because so much has changed in just a few short months, and I am forever grateful that God pulled me out of my depression, and now I am renewed. I am stronger than ever and I feel like a new person.
I'm glad that 2013 is over, and I guess you could say I certainly found a lot of my sparkle this year. I can't wait for what next year brings!
Much love xx
I'm at a point in my life where I need to decide what it is I really want to do with my life. I find it so odd that society makes us choose just one "thing" to do for the rest of our lives. Some people know what that one thing is right away, like being a doctor a lawyer, or maybe working at a bank, a daycare, a school, etc. It's not that I have no idea what I want to do, I have so many different things I want to do! All through high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I started going to college to be a teacher, and I hated it. The classes were so difficult, and to me it seemed like none of it would matter when I'm teaching, so I finally dropped out, and switched schools as well as my major. I thought being a Medical Assistant would be like being the Receptionist at a hospital. Boy was I wrong. It's literally just being a nurse, but getting paid less, and going to school for 2 years and not 4. After taking a semester of courses for that, I said no way. Then I finally found something I could really see myself doing. Being a paralegal, or a lawyer's assistant, is a fairly new career, and it's fascinating to me. I couldn't see myself being a lawyer, but working in an office, sitting at a computer, answering phone calls, emails, and so much paperwork is something that I believe I'm good at. So, I'm currently going to school to be a paralegal.
Not only do I want to be a paralegal, I want to be a famous writer, a personal trainer, a health coach, a nanny on a cruise ship, a tour bus trip guide in another country, a foster parent, a creator of a charity, a Peace Corps Volunteer, a youth group leader, and so many other wonderful, unique personas. Why limit yourself to being just one thing? For the past couple of years, when I have been undecided and confused, I felt so suffocated and stuck. Stuck with such a big decision that if I go to school, and get a job, and I hate it, then what? I'm stuck. I don't want to do just one thing, I want to do numerous things!
I call my blog I'm Finding My Sparkle. Because I am forever searching for the things and people that make my heart glisten with love. Things and people that spark such passion and interest that I realize it was meant to be. I like to live by two quotes:
It's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
Don't let anyone ever dull your sparkle.
My quote is these quotes put together. I say I'm finding my sparkle, which is basically the things that make me me. My sparkle is what I use to create myself. I feel like I have come so far in the past 20 years, and I have grown a great deal in this past year. I am really excited for 2014, because I am setting goals, and have passion for things that I used to not care about. I feel like a completely new person, and I finally feel relieved that I am on the right path for my future. That is a good feeling to know that you have a plan, or that you're getting on track.
As a writer, people say you should write what you know. Also writing about your own experiences is a big part of being a writer. Writing about my past is difficult, simply because in the past year, it has not been good. High school was fine, it wasn't horrible. I have so many good memories, and quite a few bad ones. But when I go to write about my past, all I can think about are the events that happened in the past year, and how much they broke me. Everyone has things that they go through, no one has it easy. Looking back, I know that for me, hitting rock bottom was probably the best thing to happen to me. As much as it hurt, and it still does, it has made me the woman I am today, and I am so much stronger in every way.
I don't want to turn this into a religion thing, but I will say that after months, no years of being lost, and going down the wrong path, doing horrible things, and then hitting rock bottom, I finally found my way back to God. I grew up Catholic, and I went to a Catholic school, but I hated it. I switched and went to the public school. I still went to weekly CCD (church class), and I got confirmed when I was 15 or 16. At that time, my faith was strong, and I felt that I had a decent relationship with God. After confirmation however, I fell away from the church. I could no longer be in the youth group, or in the choir, so I wasn't really involved anymore. God eventually slipped away from my life completely. That's when my life got complicated. I just kept digging myself a deeper hole, until I hit rock bottom. After rock bottom, I was depressed for months, and I remember it so clearly, the night I found God.
I was having a hard night. Those were happening a lot, and it was almost normal for me. But I was having such a breakdown, that I was seriously contemplating suicide. During those months of depression, I thought about suicide a lot. Everyone around me was putting me down, and bringing up my mistakes, and I had never felt so worthless and unwanted in my life. That night I struggled, and I just kept thinking how much better off everyone would be if I was just gone. I can't completely remember if I had cut myself or not, but I was trying to think of a way to kill myself. I didn't know how to do it. I listened to one of my favorite songs ever, that has helped me so much. It's called Lullaby by Nickelback. That song gave me a little bit of hope. It always does. I put it on repeat, and I realized I don't want to die, I want to live, but I need help. That's when I started praying to God, and I think it's the longest I've ever prayed. After I was done, with praying and crying, I felt a little better. I got that numb feeling you get after crying for a long time. I decided to look on the internet for some christian music, because I thought it would make me feel better, and I found a lot that I really like. That music led me to one sight that I strongly believe has changed my life. It was a sight with every possible thing imaginable for Christians. The page I found was called Christian Counseling. It explained that it was a 14 step program where you come and read the page, and soak it in, and then you have to write in a journal how it made you feel and what you are experiencing. Doing that program made me feel closer to God than when I go to church.
Anyways, I'm not trying to go on and on about God. But I will say that ever since that night that I found God and restored my relationship with him, my life has changed so much! Things are looking up! I went for months without a job, and had plenty of interviews but I never got the job. I was feeling very discouraged and I thought something was wrong with me. It was shortly after I found God that I was offered the job that I currently have.
During my "lost time" I had fallen into a pit of drinking and drugs and boys. So when I found out I had to take a drug test for this job, I was scared beyond belief. I had quit drinking and drugs altogether a little bit before I had an interview, but I was still terrified that I had ruined my one offer. I prayed and prayed for God to help me, and not knowing tortured me. I broke down a little bit, and I went a little crazy, but I calmed down, and relaxed. I kept waiting for them to come get me in my office to tell me I had failed and I was fired. But it never happened, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was, and how thankful to God I was that He answered my prayers. There was one night when I was feeling low, and like I wasn't going to go anywhere in life. Because like I said before, I was always unsure of what I really wanted to do with my life. So I prayed so hard to God to give me a sign of what I should be doing, what I was meant to be doing. A couple days later, I was searching the internet, and I found the Peace Corps. The more I researched it, the more I knew I wanted to do it. Then I realized that this was my sign. This is what I was meant to do. I knew that I wanted to help people as my job, but I never knew how. I started my application, and got most of it done, but then I realized that they prefer that you have a degree of some sort, or experience in a certain field. I didn't have either. In order for me to submit my application, I had to defer my student loans, and I didn't want to do that in case they rejecteded my application. I still really want to go, but I also really want to go to school. I never talked to my parents about it, but I think I should. Maybe I should be going before school. That way, i can come back and go to school and then get a job right away. Knowing my parents, they will say it's not a good idea. the Peace Corps is a whole different story that can be told in another post.
What my main point was, was that after I found God, good things started happening to me. Things were looking up and they still are! And I firmly believe that God is doing it. He is helping me. All you got to do is ask. My faith has never stronger, because so much has changed in just a few short months, and I am forever grateful that God pulled me out of my depression, and now I am renewed. I am stronger than ever and I feel like a new person.
I'm glad that 2013 is over, and I guess you could say I certainly found a lot of my sparkle this year. I can't wait for what next year brings!
Much love xx
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